Published May 16, 2009
Eternal War
There’s no reason to hide forever,
To sneak away from enemies.
The time to fight back is now or never,
And celebrate our victories.
Though defeated we once were,
Our chance has come to defend.
It’s ourselves against the attacker,
When our win is not pretend.
From dusk till dawn we train,
Building up our forces.
Until all we feel is pain,
But never from our sources.
The battle is coming soon,
There’s static in the air.
Losing some to cause us gloom,
They never should have dared.
Through evil tricks and evil schemes,
We caught them unprepared.
Weak and vain though they seem,
We’re fooled. We walked into their lair.
Did we continue and fight?
Or did we become dastard?
There seems to be no day nor night,
In our eternal war against those bastards.
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141,365 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Firstly, thank you for rating this correctly
It's good to see a new member who pays attention to the rules!
As for the poem itself, I find it leaves me cold, to be honest. Structurally speaking, the rhythm is OK but the rhyming often feels forced - there are several places where you sacrifice grammar and sense in order to make things fit, which is something all poets should try to avoid. Remember, poetry doesn't have to rhyme, so if your ideas just aren't fitting into the scheme then my advice would be to drop it and go with free verse. It works better
Regarding the content, the concept is interesting but it feels incomplete. Who is fighting whom? Why? Where? How does each side feel about it? We need more information, and at the moment the poem seems very generalized and blank. Next time, try to engage your reader's emotions and imagination through metaphor, simile and the like - we want to feel with the narrator, to see through their eyes. As a poet, it's your job to speak to our senses and get us involved.
Overall, you have a solid grasp of the basics but you need to stretch yourself more, and to pay more attention to your rhyming.
Happy editing!
Cheers,
~bubbles